Wednesday, August 02, 2006

An Exercise in Fraud

A friend recently told me that my summer was boring and I should write him an email that makes my summer sound interesting. Hence, I concocted the following:

(The names of the innocent have been changed, and the details are incredible distortions of any grain of truth that never existed.)

Robert,

I tried to call, but straight to voice mail. My life has been very interesting so far this summer. I have lied and cheated and cost poor, likely deserving people out of thousands and thousands, possibly millions of dollars. Wifey and I have been fighting and the last episode resulted in a stainless-steel all-clad pot flying through the kitchen window and into the new neighbor’s car. I told them to file it on their homeowner’s insurance. Screw’em.

Work is going well. I am having an affair with the managing partner’s daughter who is also married and the mother of 2. She isn’t that bad looking for a 45yr old. The partner found out and I told him to kiss my ass and that I would be taking over both his family and the firm. I plan to convert it to a torts firm in the near future.

In social news, George threw LeeAnne out the back window of her apartment upstairs where she was mauled by Dora, who is no longer self shaming, but out for blood. Dean Williams, or should I say Mary, has been coming over for mad, drunken dinner parties and I think she is next on my married women to sleep with list. I think she and Justin are actually having a torid affair, but hey, he’s almost single. Tim’s girlfriend has either drown or is MIS on some river floating trip after drinking too many segram’s cooler drinks. They are hoping to have some news by next week, but the search teams are being hampered by the massive mosquito attacks we have been having. Whoever was scared of the killer bees never even considered this. The entire city goes through intermittent periods of lockdown.

So, as woefully middle class as it may be, you can see I have been VERY BUSY!

I hope you are well.

PS – really really liked the Nobu Now Cookbook book. Call and we will discuss.

2 comments:

Blogrilla said...

Nice work!

cdp said...

If Dean Williams really has something as interesting to do with her time as attend any of your raucous dinner parties; I'm quite disappointed that she still finds any interest in cultivating my "personal life" into her pet project. If Justin is having a torrid affair with anyone, it should be me. I mean, hello.

Finally, I respectfully disagree with your stated change in characterization as pertains to Dora. I saw that dog shaming itself in your yard just the other day. LIAR!